“Any sin that any sinner ever committed, every sinner under proper provocation could commit.” — Bob Jones, Sr.
"A man must believe he is lost before he can be saved." — D.L. Moody
Everything changed in 2017 when God began the process of revealing Himself to me. In hindsight His timing was impeccable. My addictions and shameful secret aside, life couldn’t have been any sweeter. I was engaged to the absolute love of my life and sharing a new home together with our precious English Bulldog. Most of our evenings and weekends were spent amongst a multitude of dear friends and we enjoyed a very active lifestyle within the surrounding community. Work was going exceptionally well to boot; I was a career graphic designer working downtown and was finally beginning to emerge within the company as a passionate and dedicated artist. Life appeared to be great, but God had other plans. It was precisely at this moment in time, having reached what amounted to the pinnacle of my worldly accomplishments and happiness, that He chose to expose my dark and disgraceful sin to loved ones, family members, friends, my neighborhood, my community, and ultimately to the entire world. For the very first time I was forced to truly confront my own wretchedness as I began to understand that I was genuinely lost to my pride, to sinful habits, to a depravity that permeated my thoughts, words, and deeds, and to the myriad pleasures of the world that I had built my life around.
Despite growing up in a Christian household, surrounded by a thoroughly Roman Catholic extended family, having dutifully attended church for 18 years, and eventually matriculating through a parochial grade school and high school, I can assure you that I lived 38 years of my life in absolute spiritual darkness. Certainly, I knew about God, but in no way did I actually know Him. Nor did I want to! For nearly forty years I lived for myself, I lived for the weekend, and I endeavored to cater every aspect of my life according to the wants of my flesh as much and as often as possible. Two addictions in particular came to dominate my life – alcohol and pornography. The combination of the two allowed for the most foolish and reckless decision-making imaginable. Antes were constantly upped; lines were continually crossed; and periodically I found myself doing the unthinkable – navigating the darkest and most disquieting back alleys of the internet in search of deviant sexual content involving teenage minors.
Only one kind of basic dealing can enable man to be useful before God — brokenness.”
— Watchman Nee
At the age of 38 I found myself hitting the abysmal depths of rock bottom, having forever lost my beloved fianceé, my precious Bulldog, most of my friends and acquaintances, the new home I had begun to settle into, a career that was beginning to flourish, and last of all my respect. To make matters worse, I was facing a lengthy incarceration for my selfish and careless actions. For the first time in my life I was completely shattered. At that time I didn’t know that “to break our will, God must strike us with a heavy blow until we prostrate ourselves in the dust and say, ‘Lord I dare not think, I dare not ask, I dare not decide on my own. In each and every thing I need Thee.’ In being thus stricken, we learn that our will is not to act independently of God.” Up until this point, it had been only my will that mattered to me. Yet now, over a span of 10 painful months, God began to orchestrate events in my life that ultimately drew me closer and closer to Him, and to the cognizance of His will – not mine! – determining my path.
“What looks like an ending can be a beginning.” — T.S. Eliot
It was pitch black in the back of a large van driven by U.S. Marshals. Tears streamed down my face as I contemplated my future suicide. It would be accomplished while on house arrest, probably in the back yard or garage, and I would leave a note telling my mother to stay clear of the mess. How did I get to this point?! Most certainly I had experienced the Holy Spirit powerfully working in my life, but it only took five days in county jail for my fledgling faith to buckle and find myself once again overwhelmed with hopelessness. The reality of years of incarceration sent me spiraling into the gloomy pitch black of despair, plummeting into the darkest and most sinister depths of Satan imaginable.
And then I saw it. A thin beacon of light penetrating the dark. I followed the shaft of light to a small opening on the upfit to one of the back doors. Perhaps a screw had come loose? I wasn’t sure. But I leaned forward and followed that shaft of light, turning my head towards a small opening. It happened to be perfectly aligned with the license plate of the vehicle behind us. Strange, however, that there was no identification number to be found. Nor was there any identifying state or year number. In fact, there were no decals of any kind. It was all white with blue capital letters reading only: “GOD”.
My faith rebounded in a millisecond with the magnitude of an atomic bomb as memories of God evidencing Himself to me countless times over the previous months surged through my mind and exploded into my heart. I began to sob uncontrollably, but these were now tears of unfathomable joy. No words were spoken, but I knew in that moment that God had once again condescended to manifest Himself directly to me, clearly intimating that He would never leave my side — let alone right then during the darkest moment of my life. Immediately, the twisted and macabre thoughts were banished; immediately, my faith was buttressed a millionfold. I had no clue what the future held for me, but I knew with absolute certainty that I would not be alone.
“Love is not truly known until it is tested in adversity.” — Unknown
I’m not sure if there is anything on this side of glory that instills more fear and anxiety and hopelessness than the idea of spending years of your life in prison. I can assure you it is the worst feeling imaginable. On April 13, 2018 I was sentenced to 5 years at Fort Dix FCI, the nation’s largest low-security prison located in New Jersey after pleading guilty to 18 U.S.C. 2252 (a)(2) Receipt of Images of Minors Engaging in Sexually Explicit Conduct. My crucible had begun. But God was true and never once left my side. For the duration of my stay, He placed a hedge of protection around me, surrounded me with the most loving and spiritually-minded brothers in Christ, provided for all of my wants and needs, and continued to guide me closer and closer to Him through intense fellowship, prayer, and Bible study. God’s unfathomable love for me was so clearly evidenced during this time of immense spiritual growth and development. Eventually it became very obvious that God was preparing me for something truly special, some future work or ministry yet to be revealed.
“No man can think straight until he is born again.” — D.G. Barnhouse
Only a few months after I began to experience God profoundly evidencing Himself to me, I found myself to be what the Bible describes as a born again Christ-follower. To the best of my awareness, this moment took place in the presence of Father Stephen at the St. Pius X rectory in Norfolk, Virginia. Ironically, it was Father Stephen’s encouraging words for me to personally own and read my Bible that ended up being the catalyst for the next 5 years of intense and diligent Bible reading and study. With a newfound love and loyalty towards Jesus Christ, and feeling strongly that I should be drawing closer to Him through his very word, I began a journey that would ultimately lead me far away from the errors of the Roman Catholic Church and into the pure and radiant light of a bibliocentric faith in Jesus Christ alone for my salvation. In the weeks and months to come, I would begin to experience firsthand the regenerative work of the Holy Spirit in my heart and in my mind. It was clear that He had begun the process of softening my heart, cleaning up my thoughts and speech, and preparing me for the amazing spiritual journey I would soon embark on.
“Make your mess your message.”
— Robin Roberts
Over 200 Christian books were devoured during my incarceration. Hundreds of hours were spent reading and studying the Bible. Over 400 pages of notes and research were produced. Multitudes of Bible studies were created and presented to fellow inmates. I was actively involved at the Fort Dix chapel, assisting as an usher and in various other capacities. I served as an elder for the small congregation that resided within our housing unit. I was discipled by spiritual powerhouses the likes of Dr. Jeffrey Bado of Calvary Chapel Philadelphia and Mr. Jonathan Davey, son of Keith H. Davey, co-founder of the Bible Broadcasting Network and founder of Missions to Military in Norfolk, Virginia. I even had the tremendous honor of leading a lost man to Jesus Christ and beginning his path to discipleship. Yes, God was preparing me for something truly special.
Since my release I have joined with a local Baptist church where I am actively involved. I have independently published my first book entitled Biblical Gems: 100 Essential Memory Verses And Their Illuminating Insights. And to this very day I continue my research as God allows for new projects to come into view — this website being one of them. It’s primary function is to glorify God, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, through my personal testimony of deliverance from spiritual darkness into the light of eternity. I am making my mess my message! Nothing is more important to me than being completely transparent about who I am, the crime I committed, and the radical conversion I experienced by the grace of God. I have lost so much in this life, but it has all been worth it. I wouldn’t go back; I wouldn’t have it any other way. I may not see Him, but God is so very real and so very present in my life! And if God doesn’t do anything else, He has done enough.
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature:
old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”
— 2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)